


The Annual Booty Contest

by ackma, BlackthorneGreen



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: A stroke of inspiration, Crack, Multi, dummy THICC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:08:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23545909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackma/pseuds/ackma, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackthorneGreen/pseuds/BlackthorneGreen
Summary: In an attempt to discover who has the greatest ass in all of Heaven and Hell, our favourite Antichrist, Adam, takes it upon himself to host the truly ineffable Annual Booty Contest.Luscious curves will be flaunted, graced by the most fashionable lingerie and spotlights will kiss their well-oiled bodies, leaving you longing to see more.Among this year's contestants are the salacious serpentine demon Crowley, an indulgent angel who goes by the name of Aziraphale, Duke of Hell, Hastur, to whom you will not want to bid hasta la vista, and many other seductive and enthralling guests.Which of our sexy competitors shall claim the prize, The Nice and Thicc Booty Diaries of Agnes Nutter, this year?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Sergeant Shadwell/Madame Tracy (Good Omens)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 7





	The Annual Booty Contest

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BlackthorneGreen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackthorneGreen/gifts).



Crowley, Aziraphale, Hastur, Ligur, Shadwell, and Madame Tracey were standing in a reality TV show set.

“Why are we here :( ?“ Aziraphale said. 

“Why am I alive?!” Ligur said.

“OI There’s Adam!” Crowley said.

There were, indeed, Adam, Newt, and Anathema in the judges’ seats. Newt looked very confused.

Shadwell, who had previously been distracted by Madame Tracey’s magnificent booty, spoke up. “Why are we here, laddie?”

Adam glared at him, then he smirked.

“lmao you’re all a contestant of THE ANNUAL BOOTY CONTEST and you get to compete for the award, this book.” He said.

There was a pause.

“Wait, wHaT book?!” Anathema screeched.

The book was held up to reveal the title, THE NICE AND THICC BOOTY DIARIES OF AGNES NUTTER. It was a very nice book. It was a very thicc book, too.

“Hot damn that Agnes Nutter was a Nutter, alright. I busted deez nuts,” Ligur whistled.

Anathema screamed like a banshee and ran up and straight up discorporated Ligur. Ligur died regretting his past choices. 

“WHAT IN SATAN’S HORNY HEAD!!!!!” Hastur was one howl away from keeling over, he was wailing so hard.

“Smh,” Crowley said, shaking his head.

Anathema, still howling and screeching, “You come up to my house, disrespect my Nutters -!!!”, was dragged away by security.

“Um.” Newt said, not knowing what the hell was going on.

“Guess that girl was a real nutter,” said Aziraphale.

Adam snapped his fingers and everyone was suddenly calm again. 

They were also all suddenly in bikinis. 

Aziraphale was in an angelic golden bikini, with matching garters and stockings. Crowley was dressed in a very revealing and chaotic red bikini. His panty had a tail attached to them. Hastur was in a thong and a strapless bra that looked like a demon’s wings, which was very fashionable in hell this time of year.

Shadwell was in a bikini with nipples printed on them. Madame Tracey was in a modest, hot-pink bikini. Madame Tracey looked slightly disappointed.

Aziraphale looked down at his outfit, and then Crowley’s.

He cooed, and said, “Aww, you’re very hot, dear.”

Crowley blushed. They were both making heart eyes at each other. It was adorable.

Adam muttered, “Just kiss already,” under his breath. Newt nodded in agreement.

“The rules!!!” Newt said, unable to stand the gooey wholesomeness that was Ineffable Husbands.

“The rules are simple. Whoever the CLAP of their asscheeks is most powerful gets to read this book!” Newt hollered, waving the thicc book around.

“Seems fair,” said Madame Tracey. Shadwell was surreptitiously peering at her bra, trying to count her nipples.

“THEN LET THE SHOW BEGIN!!!!” Adam said.

“Wtf don’t shout, dear. It hurts our ears.” Aziraphale said. Crowley almost snaked out at the shock of his angel swearing.

Hastur went first because he didn’t have anything to lose - his only friend Ligur was dead. Also, he quite liked his bikini. It was a really fashionable article of clothing,

Hastur took in a deep breath, flicked off a fly crawling up his nostril, and TWERKED.

CLAP

BOOM

The resounding shockwave was so powerful that it just fricking destroyed the entire M25. 

“Aww come on,” said Crowley, very upset at the destruction of his lovechild between him and the Bentley. Aziraphale comforted him.

“Aight I’m going to head out,” said Crowley, preparing his asscheeks.

Crowley took a deep exhale, puffed up his cheeks, and DANCED.

CLAAAAP

WHACK

The resounding shockwave was so whacky that it fricking decimated Europe.

“That’s my noodle,” said Aziraphale, looking exceptionally proud.

Crowley stood up, sashaying his hips. “I take it that I just won?”, he asked.

“No,” said Adam.

A pregnant pause, and then….

“Hastur WINS!!!” Adam yelled unceremoniously, pointing at Hastur who was still twerking, now with a pin head. 

“WTF!!??” Aziraphale swore loudly. Crowley fainted from the sexiness.

“Come on, Azi, dude’s got SkillZ.” Adam said, staring at Hastur’s dummy thicc ass.

“The witchfinder and Madame Tracey didn’t even get a chance!!” Aziraphale said, displaying common sense.

“Look.” Adam pointed at Shadwell and Tracey. 

Madame Tracey’s bikini was mostly on the floor, and they were doing the do. Shadwell's wrinkly old man butt was still flapping seductively in the shockwave of the explosion and Madame Tracy was slapping it. It was so sexy that it was nsfw. Newt, who was watching all this chaos unfold from afar, noted that Madame Tracey had only two nipples.

Aziraphale sighed. “Well, if that’s the case, I suppose we can concede. I only need Crowley-”

Aziraphale looked for his (supposedly) fainted demon and found nothing.

“HAHA SUCKERS!!” Crowley yelled, as he snatched the book when no one was looking. He puffed into smoke and went to where no one can find him.

Unfortunately, the clap of his asscheeks alerted everyone that he was on Alpha Centauri.

~~ON ALPHA CENTAURI~~

“HOLY SATAN’S BAGGY UNDERWEAR,” yelled Crowley.

“GIMME THAT DUMMY THICC BOOK BACK,” screeched Hastur as he chased the snake. 

“Come and GET IT SUCKA,” Crowley howled.

“Aziraphale, you can borrow my things, if you want,” Madame Tracey said, fluttering her eyelashes. 

“Oh yes, I did not get any action today, it’s quite disgruntling,” Aziraphale replied.

Madame Tracey nodded, understanding the disgruntlement. She pulled some baby pink bondage equipment, some riding crops, and finally a cuddly pink toy out of her bikini. She handed them over to Aziraphale.

“Thank you,” Aziraphale said primly, and promptly started to make good use of them.

Crowley, while being chased by Hastur, made the mistake of catching sight of Aziraphale.

“Angel!?” He choked at the sight of dominatrix Aziraphale. It was hotter than the Nutters.

Crowley choked some more, pulled Aziraphale close, and together they puffed off to somewhere sexy and hot.

The combined resulting shockwave of dummy THICCNESS sparked the big bang and created a whole new universe.

“Aw man,” said Adam.

“This is not cool,” said Newt.

In the brand new universe, everyone’s booty was extra THICC and everyone wore hot bikinis.

Everyone except for Gabriel.

Gabriel didn’t get a bra because he was an ass.

THE END.

**Author's Note:**

> I do not know how this work came to be... well, I do.
> 
> A HUGE THANKS to BlackthorneGreen for providing inspiration, and naming and providing the summary for this work.  
> Green truly is a gem.


End file.
